Instead, you get a shitty review.
But, Kevin, what is Olympus Has Fallen I hear you say. Is it some interesting movie dissecting the decline of Grecian cultural hegemony over western development? Why are there so many American flags being waved. And is that Morgan Freeman? I love that guy! I hope he plays Memnon.
Well, my beloved readership, Olympus Has Fallen (abbreviated to OHF which should be easy to remember since its so close to Oh F@#$!) is Gerard Butler's grossly self-indulgent, narcissistic, fantasy indulgence centering around the ridiculous modern ubermensch and the failing of the outdated classical action hero trope in carrying current cinema. But that's a bit long of a tag line so it's normally billed as a story about the White House being taken over by terrorists.
That sounds like it could create a compelling story right? A movie that examines the frailty of the American illusion over its own supposed invincibility. Gosh, post 9/11 America has become really self critical and introspective has it not?
No, no it has not. OHF is easily the blandest, driest and boringest movie I've seen all year. Granted, it gets that through sheer convenience of being the only movie I've seen this year but I have high hopes for the new G.I. Joe flick. Suffice to say, the movie is more than deserving of its rotten status on review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes. Don't expect this to be winning any awards. Don't expect it to win anything period. I was literally bored ten minutes into the movie.
And let me tell you why.
The narrative, story and characters of this movie are about as cliched and one dimensional as you can possibly get. If you're worried about spoilers well... you shouldn't since this movie is about as predictable as the outcome of the Trojan War. Now, I could probably write thousands of sentences on how this movie is bad (I know my family has listened to just about as much Saturday afternoon) but I'll try and keep with the initial stumblings of the film and not even touch the some of the more ludicrous elements that most viewers will probably notice (Cerberus and Dylan McDermott).
This movie is bad right out the gate. The story opens one blistery winter evening up at Camp David where we're treated to some nonsensical moment where Gerard Butler and Aaron Eckhart are rolling around in some sweaty embrace that's suppose to mimic boxing. No doubt this moment was meant to establish the close bond between Butler's secret service agent and Eckhart's President character. Perhaps we were meant to see these two at their most intimate time, when both their guards were lowered and they had shed all pretenses of job and protocol so they could express their own deep seated worries and fears.
Well, no, it's nothing like that. It's... something about Butler teaching the President to stop sucking at boxing. He gives him some times to improve his game but if you think this is foreshadowing a moment where Eckhart is going to knock some jerk out then you're going to be sorely disappointed. In fact, this entire Camp David scene which ostensibly is suppose to be introducing us to the major players is nothing more than an enormous waste of twenty minutes. The only thing established in this time is that the secret service are incompetent drivers and could never survive in Canada. If the President had hired some Mounties to be his chauffeurs then maybe his wife wouldn't have taken a forty foot plunge off the world's flimsiest bridge.
At least the cars don't explode when they crash against ice.
So, here the audience sits, twenty minutes in and the only thing of note is that the First Lady has died in a car crash. What does this have to do with terrorists and the White House? Absolutely nothing. Because if you think this moment is important in developing some deep character conflict between the President and his secret service agent then you'd be wrong. Because all that's changed is that Butler has been moved to some cushy job at the Treasury since he reminds Eckhart "too much about that one time at band camp."
The best part, is that the entire twenty minutes is literally recapped in the next scene when a bunch of secret service agents walk into a caffe where Butler is on break to explain that he doesn't have a job with them anymore because the First Lady died eighteen months ago in a terrible car accident. Look, if you're going to summarize immediately something that's juts happened, why bother showing it in the first place?
On top of which, none of this matters for the overall narrative other than it delays Butler's arrival at the scene when the White House inevitably comes under attack. So we're twenty five minutes into the film and already you know that it's going to be a stretched time sink padded with pointless moments because the writers and director really had nothing to tell with this film.
Speaking of a waste of time, cue Butler's contrived marital troubles with a wife that thinks he "works too hard" and a man that is sad because he can no longer tell the brat of the most powerful man in America to stop playing violent video games. Wait, isn't this the exact same conflict that the First Lady and the President had before the First Lady's inappropriate bridge jumping exercise? How astute of you!
Which brings us to the boring ass characters. There is nothing to any of these people parading across the screen. I challenge any viewer to try and describe the characters without referring to their job. Because at most you might get one or two lines about how everyone seems whiny and that's about it. These people have the emotional complexity and depth of second grader's family portrait. And yet, oddly enough, the movie tries so hard to get the audience to feel some capacity of sympathy or emotion towards these beautiful, rich, white folk whose biggest troubles is that their husband missed the latest weekend barbecue and can't remember who Patty or Paula is married to.
All this, and we haven't even touched the silly terrorists yet. At any rate, we're now thirty to forty minutes into the movie with the only established fact being an unnecessary job promotion for Gerard Butler that he's going to just leave anyway to rush headlong into the White House to save the President. So, what was the point in having all this time wasted? It certainly wasn't because the terrorists plot was so well co-ordinated that if Butler was there then he would have surely been killed. I mean, the first phase of their plan was to fly a heavily armoured military craft over DC and miraculously not get shot down before gunning its stupid escort and opening up a whole bunch of Gatling fire onto the unsuspecting tourists strolling through the National Mall.
Of course, our heroic Butler is the only one who can run through this gunfire while surprised men and police officers are mowed down like it's the last charge on Vimy Ridge. He even has the time to rescue a woman and her little child by tackling them to the asphalt before sprinting to the White House before the airplane is shot down overhead, taking out the enormously phallic Washington Monument in its descent. There, he nearly foils the terrorists plans to irrevocably mar the cast iron fence before that's blown up. But while he now runs through the gap in the fence, he has the opportunity to casually shoot the only two female Korean terrorists in the head before reuniting with the secret service on the steps of the White House.
Basically, this is a long winded way of saying that Butler is the only one capable of doing anything. This becomes painfully obvious as he's the only one to survive the next wave of spawning baddies like the producers already had plans to turn this into a video game before rushing up into the White House's interior to be the only man capable of finding the wayward President's son. And, by now, I'm sure you've figured out he's also the only one to single handedly rescue the President and kill the main baddie after single handedly disposing of the automatic, highly advanced and secretive turret the White House had installed by didn't have the foresight to use when it was under attack (but the terrorists knew how to operate in order to shoot down the only back-up he was going to receive).
Needless to say, it's all a little eye-roll inducing.
Which brings me to my original point. The biggest problem with OHF is that it didn't know what it wanted to be. It tried taking itself far to seriously and realistically to be considered a throw-back to the bygone era of the 1990s action hero but had too much nonsense to be considered remotely logical even within its own narrative. I mean, three quarters of the way through the introduce an almost James Bond-esque plot contrivance because it seemed that the producers almost feared the audience wouldn't care about troop movements in the Korean peninsula (or the life of a very bland President which was probably accurate).
So what could it have done? Well, first, suck less. Second, ditch Gerard Butler. No one cares about your Mary Sue superman that is the only bad enough dude capable of rescuing the President. I'd cut most of the pointless nonsense surrounding the First Lady's death which, by the way, never once came into play (the briefly hinted emotional distress that President and son had over not yet getting over the grief was completely brushed aside by the end and never mentioned again). What I would have done was had four lead secret service agents who end up being the leaders and key players in the defence of the White House. Have most of the movie revolving around the attack and resolution of the assault on the building. Instead of having the terrorists "win" and then squat on the property for so long, have these four agents working together and with the Pentagon to try and stave off the assault and, ultimately, bring about the conclusion. Between the four of them and their different circumstances you could easily fill a movie with compelling situations and challenges. Have one agent end up holing up with a bunch of staff and tourists who then has to decide between abandoning their post as this groups sole defender for serving the greater duty of trying to rescue the President. Have another agent with the President holed up in the bunker doing her best to try and keep channels of communication open and the President alive while enemies close in on all sides. Hell, if we're so hell bent on having the little brat play any role in this, one of the agents could be his personal detail and spend most of the time trying to evade the captors and get the kid to safety.
Between four different agents you can have four more compelling individuals and perspectives to detail one single 'day of hell' that could bring about that touch of humanity that Butler's wooden acting could only dream of.
Also, can we have some female secret service agents? I'm sure they exist.
In total, I'd give this three Morgan Freemans out of ten illogical consistences.
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